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Eyes

iguanagrrl Once Said This Word of Wisdom...

Those “friends” who judge me based upon something bad they heard about me, without even bothering to ask me for my take on the matter...

They are not even friends.

Or, from my POV, their notion of “friendship” is so grossly incompatible with me that the “friendship” is not worth my time and effort for salvaging/restoring.


Also, here's an important corollary: Do not expect to affect my view upon a friend of mine by saying something bad about him/her.  In most cases, it will only backfire at you.  My respect for you—not for him/her but for you—will take a serious hit.  And not just that, I will verify the thing I heard from you with the friend whom you badmouthed, whether you said it was a secret or not.  Will I stir up a drama by that verification?  Perhaps.  But I will do that in order to stay out of the drama, by hearing from both sides and coming to my own conclusion (or a lack thereof, as appropriate).  In other words, it's not my drama.  It's your problem.

In short, drama and I simply will not mix.  Keep that in mind.


Yes, this is a change in my attitude, and it may interfere with the consultant role I have assumed numerous times.  The “may” part is because I may still be able to remain as a consultant, but only if you consult me in order to progressively resolve the drama you have.  Specifically, “Eugene, I have this problem with X, but I do wanna remain a friend with him/her...  What should I do?” is perfectly okay.

P.S.  Comments are welcomed.

Comments

That's a good angle.
it's good to listen to both sides of the story before judging another. That's a good take~ :3 I admire that.
bravo
what a bore to see agreeance from me...guess I'll mingle a bit more:

I think that big paragraph after the first break is subject to circumstance, especially what's being said to whom about what and if what's being said is fact or opinion.

"Do not expect to affect my view upon a friend of mine by saying something bad about him/her. In most cases, it will only backfire at you. My respect for you—not for him/her but for you—will take a serious hit."

I see the warning and the consequence, but why the consequence? When friends speak to you and feel wronged for another's ill will, for the sake of staying out of drama, is understanding and sympathy out of the question?

I think this entry's content is more intuned than general so I'll put my brakes on :3 *paints on your canvas*

The consequence is because I have found that people, rather than helping themselves by ranting, they put themselves into a deeper problem.  I would rather refuse to add fuel to fire which will potentially back-draft at me.

Sympathy and understanding is helpful only when people are willing to help themselves.

Plus, if the friend who feel wronged is willing to solve the problem, he/she can approach me in a more forward-looking way (like the example I said was okay).  A lot of people already did it when they asked for my opinion, so I know it isn't impossible.  If emotion overwhelms them enough to keep them from thinking that way, they should wait till they calm down before addressing me.  Chances are, if they're that emotionally distraught, whatever advice that I may give them will probably have more side effect than the positive effect anyways.

Yep.

Ya know, I was having the exact same problem with a few people and one person in particular who is the "fire starter." The unfortunate thing for me however was the fact that I tried to salvage the relationship with the fire starter -- of course it didn't work out.

And I say "was" because I am no longer having this problem, I did, until I realized there is no point to caring anymore about someone who doesn't really care to be my friend. So no loss.
It's not cool to "badmouth" people, but it's perfectly fine to "tell it how you feel" if you need to get it off your chest. It shouldn't be about starting drama, but heading off drama before it starts if you have beef with someone. If you hold it in, it will only manifest itself in other ways and get bigger.
Trying to include other people in it is all bad, giving people the option to investigate if they care about the issue is just fine. :-p

Yup.  I'm not entirely downplaying the value of ranting.  However, if I had to rant about someone, I would choose a listener to whom that someone is a total stranger, not a friend.  It also helps the constructive process of ranting 'cause that way the listener can better concentrate on what pisses me off, not who.

Oh, and one more thing: If you pick a listener who doesn't know anything about whom you're ranting about, chances are that you have to elaborate the whole thing from scratch and organize it into a cohesive “case.”  That process also helps you because you're forced to view the situation that pisses you off from a whole and complete perspective.